Daniel has been able to spend more time at home this month which has been wonderful but, it won't last. After this week it is back to normal. Back to being alone most of the time.

We are trying to get a new place to live. Our friend is going to move in with us. We can't afford a bigger place on our own and he needs a place to live so I guess it works out. It will be hard to go back to having a roommate again but we are literally bursting at the seams in this tiny apartment. My kids need more space. If it weren't for them I wouldn't even think about moving before Daniel is done with school. I just feel like the walls are closing in on me here.

Gabe is sick. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. We have actually had a really easy winter as far as illness goes. It was only a matter of time. Now, I am just playing the waiting game, unsure if it is bad enough to take him to the doctor or if she is just going to tell me to keep doing what I am doing. I don't want to be the mom who rushes her kids to the doctor for every sniffle but I also don't want to be the mom who ignores it. *sigh*

There are days

There are somedays that I just don't know how I am going to make it until May. Today is one of those days.

We had a wonderful weekend. Daniel was off both Saturday and Sunday and we spent the whole time with family and friends. It felt good to do things as a family for a while.

Today is a totally different story though. I thought it might be a good day because school was cancelled due to bad weather and the kids and I got to sleep in a little. But since we got out of bed they haven't listened to a word I have said and have done nothing that I have asked them to do. So, as a result of this, their room is a disaster still, there is a whole bag of tortilla chips crushed into the carpet on my bed room floor and everything I have tried to do has been undone.

I don't understand why they think they don't have to listen to me when daddy is gone. Why they have to act out and fight with each other every waking minute. I am at my wits end.

All I want to do is curl up in bed a cry.

Sometimes it gets to me...

I'm trying so hard to be patient and cheerful when it comes to my husband being gone so much but there are times when it just gets to me.

It used to be that I loved the time after the kids went to bed. The house would be quiet and I could have a little time for myself. Now, I am beginning to dread it. I know that I have plenty to do but without the kids to distract me I have time to think about being alone.

The worse time is when he calls to say goodnight. It is usually a while before I am ready to go to bed myself, he wants to be able to get some rest in case they get a call in the middle of the night. But, when we say goodnight and hang up the phone all I can do it think about how he is going to bed somewhere without me. We both have to sleep alone.

I keep telling myself it is only a few more months but May still seems so far away. The days keep getting longer and the nights are colder. Having him home for a few hours at a time almost makes it worse. It's like letting me taste a little bit of the frosting but keeping the cake just out of my reach.

Surprisingly I have posted twice in a week. That is a new record for me. Now, it is time for me to try to sleep. I will head to my cold bed now. Good night moon...

The beginning of the end

It has been a year since Daniel started paramedic school. That means we only have one semester to go! But, it is the hardest semester we will have to face.

He started his Field Internship (FI) last week. He has to have a total of 500 hours of FI before he can finish the program. That means 500 hours of working for an EMS service for free. He usually goes to the Butler County EMS station for a 24 hour shift (working for free) then goes straight to Life Team for a 12 hour shift. Having him gone for at least 36 hours at a time can be a little taxing but we will make it work. The kids and I miss him so much but it will be all worth it in May when he graduates.

Eliana is still doing really well in school. Her last progress report showed strong growth. She is becoming smarter every day and never ceases to amaze me. One year ago she couldn't even recite the alphabet. Now, she not only knows the alphabet she is spelling small words and can sound out bigger words. She gets tired of hearing how proud we are of her.

Then, there is Gabriel. My little Gabey Baby. What can I say about Gabe? This little boy never ceases to make me smile. When I get down he is right there with a hug and a kiss and an "I love you, Mommy!" Sure, he has a tendency to act like a 3 year old but for the most part he is just a sweet little boy who loves his mommy.

Don't get me wrong. Eliana can be sweet and loving but she can also have an attitude like a 14 year old. And is totally a daddys girl. So, when things don't go her way it is mommys fault and she wants daddy. *sigh* What am I going to do when she is a teenager? I certainly hope Gabe still loves his mommy when his big sister doesn't.

Well, we have somehow managed to make it through the first few weeks of school and it is beginning to feel like old hat. There were very few tears shed on her first day and they were only from mommy and daddy.

Gabe is loving his time with mommy and no big sister. He never even asks for her. In fact the other day I told him it was time to go get her and he asked "why?" He and I do a lot of stuff outside of the house cause it is a lot easier with only one kid.

Things are really picking up with Daniel's school. We are at the beginning of the hardest part. We get to see him one day a week, kinda.

Here is his schedule.

Mon- 8 to 12 hour Clinical shift at a hospital about and hour away so he is gone before we get up.

Tue- Class from 8-5 in Great Bend, 2 hours away.

Wed- See Monday

Thurs- he sleeps as much as he can during the day so he can stay awake at work from 7pm-7am

Fri and Sat- Same as Thursday

Sun- He tries to stay awake during the day so he can get back onto a day schedule to start it all over again on Monday.

We treasure our Sundays around here. The kids miss him so much, especially Eliana. Luckily she has school to distract her most of the time. Less than a year to go and he will be done. Man, I hope it goes by fast.

August

Well, the month of August is quickly approaching and that means that my little girl will be going off to school. I can't believe that she is 4 years old already! Pre-school is a big thing to her and well it is for us too. I don't know who is going to be more emotional about it, me or Daniel. She is such a daddy's girl it is going to break his heart to see her walk into the class room and not look back.

Okay, okay.... I know what you are thinking. She is 4 and it is only pre-school and it is only half day pre-school at that. But, she has never really been away from us. One of us has always been at home with the kids, they are our world. It also means that our baby is not our baby any more.

I know Gabe isn't going to know how to handle this alone time with mommy. I know he will love it though. After he gets past the fact that his big sister, whom he follows around a mimics constantly, gets to do something he can't do. This is going to be a big change for us all.

Going to try better

I spend so much time on the internet but rarely blog. Maybe I should fix that...

Things with Daniel's school are getting more intense. They started working on cardiology stuff which he loves but it is incredibly intense. He has tons of homework and reading plus quizzes and practice to read ECG's.

Then there's work. He recently switched to full-time working nights. Which means when he is home his is sleeping. It sucks having him so close but yet so far away. We try to keep busy but Eliana is always wanting to spend time with her daddy. We have less than a year until he is done with school but it still seems so far away and it is only going to get worse.

He starts having more and more clinical's this fall. Including a week in Topeka at a trauma center and since Eliana will be starting school in August we won't be able to go with him. That will be one rough week. I just keep telling myself that I need to take it one day at a time. It is times like these that I miss having a roommate. I hate being by myself for so long. Having Eliana in school in the mornings will help give me somewhat of a break.

I guess I am just rambling now. I don't know how else to get this all off my chest.