Going to try better

I spend so much time on the internet but rarely blog. Maybe I should fix that...

Things with Daniel's school are getting more intense. They started working on cardiology stuff which he loves but it is incredibly intense. He has tons of homework and reading plus quizzes and practice to read ECG's.

Then there's work. He recently switched to full-time working nights. Which means when he is home his is sleeping. It sucks having him so close but yet so far away. We try to keep busy but Eliana is always wanting to spend time with her daddy. We have less than a year until he is done with school but it still seems so far away and it is only going to get worse.

He starts having more and more clinical's this fall. Including a week in Topeka at a trauma center and since Eliana will be starting school in August we won't be able to go with him. That will be one rough week. I just keep telling myself that I need to take it one day at a time. It is times like these that I miss having a roommate. I hate being by myself for so long. Having Eliana in school in the mornings will help give me somewhat of a break.

I guess I am just rambling now. I don't know how else to get this all off my chest.

Taking its toll

I'm feeling more and more like a single mom every day. This paramedic program is harder than I thought it would be and it is only going to get worse from here. When he isn't at school or doing homework he is working and when he isn't working he is sleeping so he can stay away at work. He works a lot of nights, comes home goes to sleep then gets up in time to leave again. 

Right now Eliana is laying up against him in bed so she can be close to him. She has been awake for a couple of hours now and has only gotten out of bed to go potty. This is really taking it's toll on her.

The longer this goes on the more down I feel. I guess maybe I just need a break but it will  probably be a year before that happens. 

Blogging...

I am a horrible blogger, plain and simple. I don't even know why I have one. Nothing in my life is worth reading from the outside. Yet, here I am at 2:30 am typing my heart out.... So, here goes...

Daniel has started a new job with Life Team. They are the ones who send out the helicopters when people need a quick transport. He works mostly in dispatch but also in ground transport. It is the ground transport days that have come to loathe. It means that he is on call. Once again we are living by the pager and it makes life with kids kind of difficult. We never know when he is going to be home so the kids get antsy wanting to know when Daddy will be back. I think the middle of the night pages are the worst.

It happened tonight. I was having a difficult time getting to sleep and he was on the couch watching a movie with his friend who also works for Life Team and on call when their pagers went off. It is hard enough to get to sleep with him home and not in bed but now that he is out on a call and not close by it is near impossible to drift off into dream world. I don't do well in empty beds.

They say that EMS isn't just a job it is a life style and we are once again adjusting to that life style and while one day I might be okay with it, the transition sucks. The kids will be up in about 7 hours and my body is showing no signs of relaxing soon. It could be hours before Daniel is home and in bed, if he makes it back tonight. When the calls start coming in they don't usually stop with just one.

I shouldn't complain though. My husband is doing what he loves and it is paying the bills. What is a few lost hours of sleep...

Ground Zero

I am preparing to return from my first trip to New York City. I have had a wonderful time here, this city is so full of life and not nearly as intimidating as it appears in movies and on TV with the exception of the transit system. They always make that look easy but it is really as confusing as hell.
I have been to all the tourist sites. Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Times Square, Central Park, the Empire State Building, the Broadway Theatre District and the list could go on and on....
The one that will really stick with me though is Ground Zero. In a city of Millions of people and tons of noise one spot seems to stand in quiet reverence to those who fell there.
We walked from Battery Park to the site and the closer you got to it the quieter it was. The traffic seemed to even become silent as if the cars were also in mourning for the scar the attacks left on our land.
There isn't much to see there right now. Cranes, barricades and covered fences replace the rubble. But the blue sky where the towers once stood says it all. They don't let you see the work being done, I am sure it is mostly for safety reasons. But on one corner is a memorial to the fire fighters who fell that day.
"For those who fell and those who carry on. May we never forget." The names of each and every firefighter who lost their life is on that wall. As we walked along the wall and saw the few personal memorials from the corner I heard the light melody of Amazing Grace. A homeless man playing a flute... that was all I needed to push me over the edge and just break down from the sheer reality of it all. So many lives lost... The city seems to stand still around it. There really are no words....
As we were leaving we walked down the street and as I looked around flashes of videos went through my head. Every video I ever saw on the news of people running away from the towers followed by torrents of dirt and debris. I could almost hear their screams coming from the pavement below my feet. A haunting vision that I will not soon forget.

I don't really know where to go from here...

So, I created this blog as a way to deal with my husbands profession. Well, now he is not a working EMT so I guess it just defeats the purpose.

Small town life just wasn't for us or our children so we moved back home to the "city." The kids are happier and we are too for the most part. The only thing that isn't happier is our bank account.

Daniel started paramedic school last month and so far so good. They say that it will be really hard on our marriage and I can see that but so far it doesn't take away much of his time and attention. I can see it going in that direction though. Each week he comes home with more and more homework and it gets harder as it goes. I just try to  be a supportive wife and keep the kids out and about when he really needs to get down to business. We also set up an office in our bedroom so he can hopefully get some work done in there.

As for me, I'm here...

On a regular Wednesday, I was making lunch in my usual fashion. My 3 year old at my side, "helping" me microwave Easy Mac. I asked her which she preferred, corn or green beans... squatting down to her level, showing her the canned veggies, she took my face in her small hands, looked me in the eye and said "Mommy, you are a wonderful Mommy."

My heart melted. I got teary and took her into my arms and held her tight. Not understanding my emotional response, she put up with my embrace for a minute then pushed me away asking about my tears. All I could say was that they were happy tears and that I loved her and thank you for the wonderful comment. 

I spend day after day wondering if I am doing a good job, if I am raising them right and taking good enough care of them. Other mothers say what they can to ensure me that I am a great mother, my mother tells me more than I want her to, that I am a great mom. But, I am not always convinced. 

Then here comes my own flesh and blood, my sweet little girl, and tells me, whether she believes it or not, that I am a wonderful mommy and it just put those worries to rest, at least for a day or so. 

After seeing me melt and hold her lovingly, over our lunch of chicken nuggets, green beans and Easy Mac, she looks at me and says, 

"Mommy, this is the best lunch ever..."

My daddy saves lives...

What does your daddy do? 

This is the saying on a shirt that I want for both of my kids. And now Eliana kinda gets it...

Since my Daniel took this job we have been telling Eliana that daddy goes to work to help people who are hurt or sick but I don't think she got it until tonight. 
We usually visit him at the station and all she sees is him at a desk or in a day room, not what he really does. Working for EMS you don't really get to go see him working unless you are the one needing medical attention. 
After Gabe woke from his nap I loaded the kids in the car to run to the post office and then to the store. Just 2 blocks from the store at a very busy intersection I notice that things aren't right. There is a motorcycle on the ground and a car parked in the street and people standing around. It didn't take me long to figure out what had happened. I moved my car to the side of the street since the intersection was blocked and rolled down my window and asked if there was anything I could do to help. I couldn't hear sirens in the distance or see lights anywhere and I wanted to make sure someone had called 911. As soon as I asked someone I heard the sirens coming down the street. Sure enough, it was the ambulance. 
Since I couldn't go anywhere without causing need for another ambulance I put my car in park and we got to see Daniel at work. 
We could only see part of the victim, his cycle was blocking the view, thank the Lord. At first Eliana didn't understand. She wanted Daddy to come see her but once she realized that there was a person on the ground, hurt badly she became a little worried, especially once she saw them cut his shirt. I was totally honest with her, letting her know that a man was hurt and that Daddy was helping him. Also teaching the lesson about why we don't wander into the street and we always hold a grown-ups hand. 
Before they loaded him up on the stretcher we were directed safely through the intersection. I know that they teach him to be completely aware of his surroundings but I didn't think he knew we were there. He called me shortly after and asked why we were there and if we were alright. I never even saw him look in our direction.
I hate that there was an accident but I love that we got to see him in action. I think that Eliana now has a better understanding of what daddy does and why it is so important that he goes to work.