I don't really know where to go from here...

So, I created this blog as a way to deal with my husbands profession. Well, now he is not a working EMT so I guess it just defeats the purpose.

Small town life just wasn't for us or our children so we moved back home to the "city." The kids are happier and we are too for the most part. The only thing that isn't happier is our bank account.

Daniel started paramedic school last month and so far so good. They say that it will be really hard on our marriage and I can see that but so far it doesn't take away much of his time and attention. I can see it going in that direction though. Each week he comes home with more and more homework and it gets harder as it goes. I just try to  be a supportive wife and keep the kids out and about when he really needs to get down to business. We also set up an office in our bedroom so he can hopefully get some work done in there.

As for me, I'm here...

On a regular Wednesday, I was making lunch in my usual fashion. My 3 year old at my side, "helping" me microwave Easy Mac. I asked her which she preferred, corn or green beans... squatting down to her level, showing her the canned veggies, she took my face in her small hands, looked me in the eye and said "Mommy, you are a wonderful Mommy."

My heart melted. I got teary and took her into my arms and held her tight. Not understanding my emotional response, she put up with my embrace for a minute then pushed me away asking about my tears. All I could say was that they were happy tears and that I loved her and thank you for the wonderful comment. 

I spend day after day wondering if I am doing a good job, if I am raising them right and taking good enough care of them. Other mothers say what they can to ensure me that I am a great mother, my mother tells me more than I want her to, that I am a great mom. But, I am not always convinced. 

Then here comes my own flesh and blood, my sweet little girl, and tells me, whether she believes it or not, that I am a wonderful mommy and it just put those worries to rest, at least for a day or so. 

After seeing me melt and hold her lovingly, over our lunch of chicken nuggets, green beans and Easy Mac, she looks at me and says, 

"Mommy, this is the best lunch ever..."

My daddy saves lives...

What does your daddy do? 

This is the saying on a shirt that I want for both of my kids. And now Eliana kinda gets it...

Since my Daniel took this job we have been telling Eliana that daddy goes to work to help people who are hurt or sick but I don't think she got it until tonight. 
We usually visit him at the station and all she sees is him at a desk or in a day room, not what he really does. Working for EMS you don't really get to go see him working unless you are the one needing medical attention. 
After Gabe woke from his nap I loaded the kids in the car to run to the post office and then to the store. Just 2 blocks from the store at a very busy intersection I notice that things aren't right. There is a motorcycle on the ground and a car parked in the street and people standing around. It didn't take me long to figure out what had happened. I moved my car to the side of the street since the intersection was blocked and rolled down my window and asked if there was anything I could do to help. I couldn't hear sirens in the distance or see lights anywhere and I wanted to make sure someone had called 911. As soon as I asked someone I heard the sirens coming down the street. Sure enough, it was the ambulance. 
Since I couldn't go anywhere without causing need for another ambulance I put my car in park and we got to see Daniel at work. 
We could only see part of the victim, his cycle was blocking the view, thank the Lord. At first Eliana didn't understand. She wanted Daddy to come see her but once she realized that there was a person on the ground, hurt badly she became a little worried, especially once she saw them cut his shirt. I was totally honest with her, letting her know that a man was hurt and that Daddy was helping him. Also teaching the lesson about why we don't wander into the street and we always hold a grown-ups hand. 
Before they loaded him up on the stretcher we were directed safely through the intersection. I know that they teach him to be completely aware of his surroundings but I didn't think he knew we were there. He called me shortly after and asked why we were there and if we were alright. I never even saw him look in our direction.
I hate that there was an accident but I love that we got to see him in action. I think that Eliana now has a better understanding of what daddy does and why it is so important that he goes to work.

Back to School

Fall has always been a bit of a nostalgic time for me and this year is no different. The whistles and cheers of a football game take me back to my sophomore year of high school when my team finally broke that 4 year losing streak. The chilly rainy days remind me of my first love and the time we spent on the porch swing watching the falling rain and leaves, the same boy who also broke my heart in the fall. 

Fall is also apple season. Oh how I love apple season! Every fall my mom, step-dad and I would drive an hour to country orchard and completely fill the trunk of our old Bonneville with apples. Then we would spend hours in the kitchen making everything apple you can think of. Apple sauce, cinnamon apples, dried apples, pie, apple butter, baked apples, the list could go on and on... I can barely eat an apple without thinking of those crisp fall days. 

And you can't talk about the fall without thinking of the first day of school. I remember how anxious I would get the night before. How exciting it was to see all my old friends and teachers and that boy  I had spent the summer thinking about. And also about the day my parents left me in my first dorm room. Ahhh... fall is full of memories. 

My favorite fall memory only happened 4 years ago. My life changed on a cool day in October. I left my single life and married my husband in the fall. It was actually the last beautiful day of the fall that year. A day I will never forget. 

Other than Christmas, no other season makes me feel so romantic. I hope that the fall will be as memorable for my children as it always is for me. 

An Update

You know, my children never cease to amaze me. Gabe went from a shy quiet little guy to a noisy little chatterbox overnight. It's amazing. We could get a word or two out of him for a while. But in the last week he has started say more and more new words and even formed his first sentence. He now has no problem proudly announcing "I want that Mom!"
While we were shopping over the weekend it was like all of a sudden things clicked for him. As we were walking through Sam's he started pointing to things and telling me what they were. Shoe, book, ball, CAKE! He really liked that he knew that word. Now that he is talking up a storm and Eliana never stops talking, not even in her sleep, Daniel and I are lucky to get a word in edgewise. It does however make life a little easier. There is not a lot of frustration because Gabe can't express what it is he wants or needs.
It's hard to believe that Gabe is almost 21 months old. Where did the last 2 years go?
Eliana's growing up so fast too. She tells me everyday that she wants to go to school but the preschool here doesn't take kids until they are 4. I was hoping to start her this year and would have if we were still in Wichita. I bought her some school work books at Dollar Tree and hopefully that will ease her desire to go to school.
She also hit a big milestone recently. Eliana is finally potty trained!! She still has a few accidents but that comes with being 3. We kind of danced around the subject for a long time, putting her in pull-ups and hoping that would put us on the right track but she was lazy about it and to be quite honest, so were we. I finally got sick of paying for them so I told her I wasn't going to buy any more and she would have to wear her panties and use the potty. After about a week of trial and error we pretty much have it down. She still wears a pull-up to bed but most of the time it is dry when she gets up in the morning. That is a big load off of our bank account.
Daniel started school last week. He is finishing up all his pre-requisites this semester and will start the paramedic program in January at Barton. The best part is, it is all on the county's bill! They are paying for his schooling in exchange for 2 years of his time after he is done. Maybe by then we will have found our place in this town.
Nothing new is going on with me. I want to go back to school but don't have any childcare up here. There is a program here at the local college I want to go through but I guess it will have to wait until both kids are in school.

School

So, the county is going to send Daniel to Paramedic school and they are going to foot the bill.  That is another 6 grand we won't have to pay back, thank goodness. But, it means that we are here for another 3.5 years a least. If they are going to pay for him to go to school they want to use their investment so after he is in school for 18 months he will have to work here for 2 years. By then Eliana will be in school.  I guess I will really start having to make the most of it here.  

The days are getting a little easier though. I am slowly starting to meet a few new people. I want to try to go to church but I am afraid of how my kids would act in a church nursery. Who knows, maybe they will surprise me. All I know is that I need an outlet while Daniel is in school. 

Restless alone...

So, here it is 1:30 am and I know won't be able to sleep. Daniel is working and I can never rest easy when he is not here. Most nights he works try as I might I can hardly ever get to sleep at a decent hour. I lay away tossing and turning until my mind gets carried away with thoughts I don't want to be thinking. Your mind goes through a lot of "what if's" when the rest of the world is sleeping. I finally turn the light on and get lost in a book until I eventually just pass out from sheer exhaustion. 

It's not easy being alone so much. Talking to yourself can make a person go crazy. But, so can a conversation with a 3 year old. Your conversation topics are limited and one can only chit chat so much about the color of the cat. But, being alone and talking to myself is a small price to pay for Daniel's happiness. I am sure as the kids get older and I finally start meeting people in this small small town, the days he works will seem shorter and not so lonesome. I hope that time is sooner rather than later.