Friday, May 30, 2008

Reoccurring dream

I have been having this dream lately that I am pregnant. It's not the same dream over and over but I am always pregnant. 
Last night I dreamed I was sitting in a field, surrounded by beautiful white flowers that smell like baby. The sun is warm on my face and all is peaceful and serene. The ground is soft like silk and it seems to surround me like my bed. There is a light breeze and when it blows I can feel the flowers and their stems gently hit my stomach. I look down to see the blossoms graze my mid-section only to see that it's not the flowers at all. My middle is rounded and I can feel the child inside me gently kicking as if to say "Here I am, don't forget about me."
I gently caress my stomach and lay down in the flowers and sweetly drift off to sleep still smelling the sweet smell of new baby. 
I wake in real life only to see that my son is the one kicking me in the stomach, startled by the storms outside my window.  The only thing round about my stomach is the flab left from carrying two children for 40 weeks each. 
Part of me is disappointed that it was only a dream. I want to have another child. I want to feel him or her growing inside me. I want to smell that sweet sweet smell of a new born just after their first bath. Feel their soft skin against mine and share the closeness that can only be felt while nursing a newborn baby. Even the thought of giving birth seems romantic.
What doesn't seem so romantic is the fact that one day that sweet infant will be 2 and then 3. I am convinced that the person who coined the phrase "The Terrible Two's" didn't live to see their child reach the age of 3.  I can barely handle the 3-year-old I have and very soon, too soon in fact, my sweet baby boy will be 2 and eventually 3.  Maybe if I survive these two toddlers, I can have another one. 

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Starting out...

I've never really kept a blog but I thought I would give it a try. 
It's been 3 months since we moved away from our families and I thought things would be easier by now. Daniel works 60+ hours a week and we all miss him like crazy. 
People in this town aren't as inviting as they seemed at first. In a sense I feel like I am in high school again, like the new kid in high school. Everyone knows everyone and they are tight. No room for someone new here.  Going to the store almost feels like walking through the cafeteria. People snickering, whispering to each other, asking about the outsider. Then being sweet as candy when approached. If I wanted this I would go back to my home town. At least there I would have my parents.
Now, don't get me wrong. There are some genuinely nice people here. Most of them are just older though. The people my age with children aren't looking for play dates and most certainly aren't looking for someone new to hang out with. 
We are making due though. Eliana would love to have someone to play  with. She talks daily about her friends back home. Wanting to play with Alicia or find dinosaurs with Jacob.  She will adjust in time and hopefully people will open up soon and let a little girl make new friends.