used to...

I used to spend a lot of time writing. I would write short stories, poetry, diaries, news stories (for my HS newspaper, I even won an award for it), and whatever else came to mind. I was sure that it would be something that I always did. But now, now matter how I try, I can't come up with anything creative. It's like having children sucked the literary part of my brain completely dry.
I would love to sit down here at the computer and type out some sort of entry that would entice lots of people to read it. But, lets face it, the life of a SAHM isn't all that glamorous. Between taking my daughter to girl scouts and making my son's Halloween costume, there isn't much time for anything noteworthy.
Except for the kids themselves.
How is it that I have the least recognized job though I "work for" the most amazing people? All moms do! I am so lucky that I get to spend my time taking care of two of the most amazing people on the planet! Not everyone may see what I see in them but I know how truly awesome they are.
Who else can look at a book and come up with forty different stories for the illustrations? Do you know many girls who can take scraps of fabric, random pieces of clothing, jewelry and sometimes some kitchen ware and put together a whole fashion show in their bedroom? I'm sure my kids aren't the first to do these things but they still never cease to amaze me with their creativity and their passion. I hope that the universe can someday see what I see in these two beautiful little people and they know how to use it to their advantage to do whatever they want to do in life.
I may never be a world renowned writer. I'm okay with that. I've got something better!

Time sure flies...

Wasn't it just yesterday that I was oh so excitedly piecing together a nursery fit for a princess? I was carefully folding itty-bitty clothes in various shades of pink? Placing tiny diapers and fresh boxes of wipes in a strategic place so they would be easily accessible? Fighting with a crib sheet trying to get it on the mattress then down into the crib? All while feeling big kicks and flips from my huge stomach??

No, it wasn't yesterday, it was 6 years ago this very day!! I can't hardly believe it! We had just moved into a small house in the center of town and were anxiously preparing for  "The Divine Miss E" to make her appearance. I was scheduled to be induced the next morning and everyone was there and ready! (Most of all me! 41 weeks is one week too long to be prego!)

I was nervous, scared and excited all at the same time. If I had only known what the next 6 years would hold for us....

Yep, I'm failing at this...

I just realized that it has been almost a year since I have blogged. I am on the computer everyday, there is no reason why I couldn't blog more. Not, that you all care about the mundane details of my boring life...

Since my last post our lives have changed dramatically. In a nutshell...

Daniel finished Paramedic school with highest honors and shortly after was hired on at his dream job as part time. Which means he works when they need him. That often meant shifts that could last 24-72 hours. We rarely saw him but we made it work. At the beginning of the year he was promoted to full time and now has a somewhat normal schedule so we see him more.

Eliana is a kindergartener now and loving every minute of it. Her teacher says she is a joy to have in her class and that she is a very bright girl who is constantly bettering herself and her school work.

Gabe turned 4 in December and is finally becoming more independent. I have filled out the paperwork to send him to pre-k in the fall, we are just waiting to here whether or not he gets a spot. I am assured by the teachers that he will be accepted. I hope the school district agrees. Though, I don't think I am ready for both of my kids to be in school.

There's not much to say about me. I spend my days either helping at the school or doing housework with my little guy. I love being able to devote my time to my children. I always wanted that when I was growing up, I am so glad I can do that for my kids.

Well, that's the jist of the last year. Exciting huh?!

Total Blog Fail!

I was really trying to blog more but alas. life is busy and time has flown by.

What is new???... Daniel FINALY finished his field internship. After over 500 hours of working for absolutely no pay plus working full time to pay the bills, I finally have my husband back!

One more month until he graduates!! And... he is graduating with HONORS! I am so proud of him! He was even invited to become a member of their honor society for non-traditional students. Words can't express how excited I am to be ending this page of our lives and start new with his degree.

I'm not sure what I will do when I have my husband back.

My baby girl just turned 5! It is so hard to believe that is has been 5 years already. Where did time go? I can't believe that I have been a parent for 5 years. I guess since we have all survived this long I must be doing something right. Right? I am amazed at how she is growing into such a beautiful, smart and funny young lady.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the kids once school is out for the summer. I think the only way I am going to survive is with lots of play dates and lots of structured activities. I'm feeling overwhelmed just thinking about it.

Daniel has been able to spend more time at home this month which has been wonderful but, it won't last. After this week it is back to normal. Back to being alone most of the time.

We are trying to get a new place to live. Our friend is going to move in with us. We can't afford a bigger place on our own and he needs a place to live so I guess it works out. It will be hard to go back to having a roommate again but we are literally bursting at the seams in this tiny apartment. My kids need more space. If it weren't for them I wouldn't even think about moving before Daniel is done with school. I just feel like the walls are closing in on me here.

Gabe is sick. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. We have actually had a really easy winter as far as illness goes. It was only a matter of time. Now, I am just playing the waiting game, unsure if it is bad enough to take him to the doctor or if she is just going to tell me to keep doing what I am doing. I don't want to be the mom who rushes her kids to the doctor for every sniffle but I also don't want to be the mom who ignores it. *sigh*

There are days

There are somedays that I just don't know how I am going to make it until May. Today is one of those days.

We had a wonderful weekend. Daniel was off both Saturday and Sunday and we spent the whole time with family and friends. It felt good to do things as a family for a while.

Today is a totally different story though. I thought it might be a good day because school was cancelled due to bad weather and the kids and I got to sleep in a little. But since we got out of bed they haven't listened to a word I have said and have done nothing that I have asked them to do. So, as a result of this, their room is a disaster still, there is a whole bag of tortilla chips crushed into the carpet on my bed room floor and everything I have tried to do has been undone.

I don't understand why they think they don't have to listen to me when daddy is gone. Why they have to act out and fight with each other every waking minute. I am at my wits end.

All I want to do is curl up in bed a cry.

Sometimes it gets to me...

I'm trying so hard to be patient and cheerful when it comes to my husband being gone so much but there are times when it just gets to me.

It used to be that I loved the time after the kids went to bed. The house would be quiet and I could have a little time for myself. Now, I am beginning to dread it. I know that I have plenty to do but without the kids to distract me I have time to think about being alone.

The worse time is when he calls to say goodnight. It is usually a while before I am ready to go to bed myself, he wants to be able to get some rest in case they get a call in the middle of the night. But, when we say goodnight and hang up the phone all I can do it think about how he is going to bed somewhere without me. We both have to sleep alone.

I keep telling myself it is only a few more months but May still seems so far away. The days keep getting longer and the nights are colder. Having him home for a few hours at a time almost makes it worse. It's like letting me taste a little bit of the frosting but keeping the cake just out of my reach.

Surprisingly I have posted twice in a week. That is a new record for me. Now, it is time for me to try to sleep. I will head to my cold bed now. Good night moon...

The beginning of the end

It has been a year since Daniel started paramedic school. That means we only have one semester to go! But, it is the hardest semester we will have to face.

He started his Field Internship (FI) last week. He has to have a total of 500 hours of FI before he can finish the program. That means 500 hours of working for an EMS service for free. He usually goes to the Butler County EMS station for a 24 hour shift (working for free) then goes straight to Life Team for a 12 hour shift. Having him gone for at least 36 hours at a time can be a little taxing but we will make it work. The kids and I miss him so much but it will be all worth it in May when he graduates.

Eliana is still doing really well in school. Her last progress report showed strong growth. She is becoming smarter every day and never ceases to amaze me. One year ago she couldn't even recite the alphabet. Now, she not only knows the alphabet she is spelling small words and can sound out bigger words. She gets tired of hearing how proud we are of her.

Then, there is Gabriel. My little Gabey Baby. What can I say about Gabe? This little boy never ceases to make me smile. When I get down he is right there with a hug and a kiss and an "I love you, Mommy!" Sure, he has a tendency to act like a 3 year old but for the most part he is just a sweet little boy who loves his mommy.

Don't get me wrong. Eliana can be sweet and loving but she can also have an attitude like a 14 year old. And is totally a daddys girl. So, when things don't go her way it is mommys fault and she wants daddy. *sigh* What am I going to do when she is a teenager? I certainly hope Gabe still loves his mommy when his big sister doesn't.

Well, we have somehow managed to make it through the first few weeks of school and it is beginning to feel like old hat. There were very few tears shed on her first day and they were only from mommy and daddy.

Gabe is loving his time with mommy and no big sister. He never even asks for her. In fact the other day I told him it was time to go get her and he asked "why?" He and I do a lot of stuff outside of the house cause it is a lot easier with only one kid.

Things are really picking up with Daniel's school. We are at the beginning of the hardest part. We get to see him one day a week, kinda.

Here is his schedule.

Mon- 8 to 12 hour Clinical shift at a hospital about and hour away so he is gone before we get up.

Tue- Class from 8-5 in Great Bend, 2 hours away.

Wed- See Monday

Thurs- he sleeps as much as he can during the day so he can stay awake at work from 7pm-7am

Fri and Sat- Same as Thursday

Sun- He tries to stay awake during the day so he can get back onto a day schedule to start it all over again on Monday.

We treasure our Sundays around here. The kids miss him so much, especially Eliana. Luckily she has school to distract her most of the time. Less than a year to go and he will be done. Man, I hope it goes by fast.

August

Well, the month of August is quickly approaching and that means that my little girl will be going off to school. I can't believe that she is 4 years old already! Pre-school is a big thing to her and well it is for us too. I don't know who is going to be more emotional about it, me or Daniel. She is such a daddy's girl it is going to break his heart to see her walk into the class room and not look back.

Okay, okay.... I know what you are thinking. She is 4 and it is only pre-school and it is only half day pre-school at that. But, she has never really been away from us. One of us has always been at home with the kids, they are our world. It also means that our baby is not our baby any more.

I know Gabe isn't going to know how to handle this alone time with mommy. I know he will love it though. After he gets past the fact that his big sister, whom he follows around a mimics constantly, gets to do something he can't do. This is going to be a big change for us all.

Going to try better

I spend so much time on the internet but rarely blog. Maybe I should fix that...

Things with Daniel's school are getting more intense. They started working on cardiology stuff which he loves but it is incredibly intense. He has tons of homework and reading plus quizzes and practice to read ECG's.

Then there's work. He recently switched to full-time working nights. Which means when he is home his is sleeping. It sucks having him so close but yet so far away. We try to keep busy but Eliana is always wanting to spend time with her daddy. We have less than a year until he is done with school but it still seems so far away and it is only going to get worse.

He starts having more and more clinical's this fall. Including a week in Topeka at a trauma center and since Eliana will be starting school in August we won't be able to go with him. That will be one rough week. I just keep telling myself that I need to take it one day at a time. It is times like these that I miss having a roommate. I hate being by myself for so long. Having Eliana in school in the mornings will help give me somewhat of a break.

I guess I am just rambling now. I don't know how else to get this all off my chest.

Taking its toll

I'm feeling more and more like a single mom every day. This paramedic program is harder than I thought it would be and it is only going to get worse from here. When he isn't at school or doing homework he is working and when he isn't working he is sleeping so he can stay away at work. He works a lot of nights, comes home goes to sleep then gets up in time to leave again. 

Right now Eliana is laying up against him in bed so she can be close to him. She has been awake for a couple of hours now and has only gotten out of bed to go potty. This is really taking it's toll on her.

The longer this goes on the more down I feel. I guess maybe I just need a break but it will  probably be a year before that happens. 

Blogging...

I am a horrible blogger, plain and simple. I don't even know why I have one. Nothing in my life is worth reading from the outside. Yet, here I am at 2:30 am typing my heart out.... So, here goes...

Daniel has started a new job with Life Team. They are the ones who send out the helicopters when people need a quick transport. He works mostly in dispatch but also in ground transport. It is the ground transport days that have come to loathe. It means that he is on call. Once again we are living by the pager and it makes life with kids kind of difficult. We never know when he is going to be home so the kids get antsy wanting to know when Daddy will be back. I think the middle of the night pages are the worst.

It happened tonight. I was having a difficult time getting to sleep and he was on the couch watching a movie with his friend who also works for Life Team and on call when their pagers went off. It is hard enough to get to sleep with him home and not in bed but now that he is out on a call and not close by it is near impossible to drift off into dream world. I don't do well in empty beds.

They say that EMS isn't just a job it is a life style and we are once again adjusting to that life style and while one day I might be okay with it, the transition sucks. The kids will be up in about 7 hours and my body is showing no signs of relaxing soon. It could be hours before Daniel is home and in bed, if he makes it back tonight. When the calls start coming in they don't usually stop with just one.

I shouldn't complain though. My husband is doing what he loves and it is paying the bills. What is a few lost hours of sleep...

Ground Zero

I am preparing to return from my first trip to New York City. I have had a wonderful time here, this city is so full of life and not nearly as intimidating as it appears in movies and on TV with the exception of the transit system. They always make that look easy but it is really as confusing as hell.
I have been to all the tourist sites. Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Times Square, Central Park, the Empire State Building, the Broadway Theatre District and the list could go on and on....
The one that will really stick with me though is Ground Zero. In a city of Millions of people and tons of noise one spot seems to stand in quiet reverence to those who fell there.
We walked from Battery Park to the site and the closer you got to it the quieter it was. The traffic seemed to even become silent as if the cars were also in mourning for the scar the attacks left on our land.
There isn't much to see there right now. Cranes, barricades and covered fences replace the rubble. But the blue sky where the towers once stood says it all. They don't let you see the work being done, I am sure it is mostly for safety reasons. But on one corner is a memorial to the fire fighters who fell that day.
"For those who fell and those who carry on. May we never forget." The names of each and every firefighter who lost their life is on that wall. As we walked along the wall and saw the few personal memorials from the corner I heard the light melody of Amazing Grace. A homeless man playing a flute... that was all I needed to push me over the edge and just break down from the sheer reality of it all. So many lives lost... The city seems to stand still around it. There really are no words....
As we were leaving we walked down the street and as I looked around flashes of videos went through my head. Every video I ever saw on the news of people running away from the towers followed by torrents of dirt and debris. I could almost hear their screams coming from the pavement below my feet. A haunting vision that I will not soon forget.

I don't really know where to go from here...

So, I created this blog as a way to deal with my husbands profession. Well, now he is not a working EMT so I guess it just defeats the purpose.

Small town life just wasn't for us or our children so we moved back home to the "city." The kids are happier and we are too for the most part. The only thing that isn't happier is our bank account.

Daniel started paramedic school last month and so far so good. They say that it will be really hard on our marriage and I can see that but so far it doesn't take away much of his time and attention. I can see it going in that direction though. Each week he comes home with more and more homework and it gets harder as it goes. I just try to  be a supportive wife and keep the kids out and about when he really needs to get down to business. We also set up an office in our bedroom so he can hopefully get some work done in there.

As for me, I'm here...

On a regular Wednesday, I was making lunch in my usual fashion. My 3 year old at my side, "helping" me microwave Easy Mac. I asked her which she preferred, corn or green beans... squatting down to her level, showing her the canned veggies, she took my face in her small hands, looked me in the eye and said "Mommy, you are a wonderful Mommy."

My heart melted. I got teary and took her into my arms and held her tight. Not understanding my emotional response, she put up with my embrace for a minute then pushed me away asking about my tears. All I could say was that they were happy tears and that I loved her and thank you for the wonderful comment. 

I spend day after day wondering if I am doing a good job, if I am raising them right and taking good enough care of them. Other mothers say what they can to ensure me that I am a great mother, my mother tells me more than I want her to, that I am a great mom. But, I am not always convinced. 

Then here comes my own flesh and blood, my sweet little girl, and tells me, whether she believes it or not, that I am a wonderful mommy and it just put those worries to rest, at least for a day or so. 

After seeing me melt and hold her lovingly, over our lunch of chicken nuggets, green beans and Easy Mac, she looks at me and says, 

"Mommy, this is the best lunch ever..."

My daddy saves lives...

What does your daddy do? 

This is the saying on a shirt that I want for both of my kids. And now Eliana kinda gets it...

Since my Daniel took this job we have been telling Eliana that daddy goes to work to help people who are hurt or sick but I don't think she got it until tonight. 
We usually visit him at the station and all she sees is him at a desk or in a day room, not what he really does. Working for EMS you don't really get to go see him working unless you are the one needing medical attention. 
After Gabe woke from his nap I loaded the kids in the car to run to the post office and then to the store. Just 2 blocks from the store at a very busy intersection I notice that things aren't right. There is a motorcycle on the ground and a car parked in the street and people standing around. It didn't take me long to figure out what had happened. I moved my car to the side of the street since the intersection was blocked and rolled down my window and asked if there was anything I could do to help. I couldn't hear sirens in the distance or see lights anywhere and I wanted to make sure someone had called 911. As soon as I asked someone I heard the sirens coming down the street. Sure enough, it was the ambulance. 
Since I couldn't go anywhere without causing need for another ambulance I put my car in park and we got to see Daniel at work. 
We could only see part of the victim, his cycle was blocking the view, thank the Lord. At first Eliana didn't understand. She wanted Daddy to come see her but once she realized that there was a person on the ground, hurt badly she became a little worried, especially once she saw them cut his shirt. I was totally honest with her, letting her know that a man was hurt and that Daddy was helping him. Also teaching the lesson about why we don't wander into the street and we always hold a grown-ups hand. 
Before they loaded him up on the stretcher we were directed safely through the intersection. I know that they teach him to be completely aware of his surroundings but I didn't think he knew we were there. He called me shortly after and asked why we were there and if we were alright. I never even saw him look in our direction.
I hate that there was an accident but I love that we got to see him in action. I think that Eliana now has a better understanding of what daddy does and why it is so important that he goes to work.

Back to School

Fall has always been a bit of a nostalgic time for me and this year is no different. The whistles and cheers of a football game take me back to my sophomore year of high school when my team finally broke that 4 year losing streak. The chilly rainy days remind me of my first love and the time we spent on the porch swing watching the falling rain and leaves, the same boy who also broke my heart in the fall. 

Fall is also apple season. Oh how I love apple season! Every fall my mom, step-dad and I would drive an hour to country orchard and completely fill the trunk of our old Bonneville with apples. Then we would spend hours in the kitchen making everything apple you can think of. Apple sauce, cinnamon apples, dried apples, pie, apple butter, baked apples, the list could go on and on... I can barely eat an apple without thinking of those crisp fall days. 

And you can't talk about the fall without thinking of the first day of school. I remember how anxious I would get the night before. How exciting it was to see all my old friends and teachers and that boy  I had spent the summer thinking about. And also about the day my parents left me in my first dorm room. Ahhh... fall is full of memories. 

My favorite fall memory only happened 4 years ago. My life changed on a cool day in October. I left my single life and married my husband in the fall. It was actually the last beautiful day of the fall that year. A day I will never forget. 

Other than Christmas, no other season makes me feel so romantic. I hope that the fall will be as memorable for my children as it always is for me. 

An Update

You know, my children never cease to amaze me. Gabe went from a shy quiet little guy to a noisy little chatterbox overnight. It's amazing. We could get a word or two out of him for a while. But in the last week he has started say more and more new words and even formed his first sentence. He now has no problem proudly announcing "I want that Mom!"
While we were shopping over the weekend it was like all of a sudden things clicked for him. As we were walking through Sam's he started pointing to things and telling me what they were. Shoe, book, ball, CAKE! He really liked that he knew that word. Now that he is talking up a storm and Eliana never stops talking, not even in her sleep, Daniel and I are lucky to get a word in edgewise. It does however make life a little easier. There is not a lot of frustration because Gabe can't express what it is he wants or needs.
It's hard to believe that Gabe is almost 21 months old. Where did the last 2 years go?
Eliana's growing up so fast too. She tells me everyday that she wants to go to school but the preschool here doesn't take kids until they are 4. I was hoping to start her this year and would have if we were still in Wichita. I bought her some school work books at Dollar Tree and hopefully that will ease her desire to go to school.
She also hit a big milestone recently. Eliana is finally potty trained!! She still has a few accidents but that comes with being 3. We kind of danced around the subject for a long time, putting her in pull-ups and hoping that would put us on the right track but she was lazy about it and to be quite honest, so were we. I finally got sick of paying for them so I told her I wasn't going to buy any more and she would have to wear her panties and use the potty. After about a week of trial and error we pretty much have it down. She still wears a pull-up to bed but most of the time it is dry when she gets up in the morning. That is a big load off of our bank account.
Daniel started school last week. He is finishing up all his pre-requisites this semester and will start the paramedic program in January at Barton. The best part is, it is all on the county's bill! They are paying for his schooling in exchange for 2 years of his time after he is done. Maybe by then we will have found our place in this town.
Nothing new is going on with me. I want to go back to school but don't have any childcare up here. There is a program here at the local college I want to go through but I guess it will have to wait until both kids are in school.

School

So, the county is going to send Daniel to Paramedic school and they are going to foot the bill.  That is another 6 grand we won't have to pay back, thank goodness. But, it means that we are here for another 3.5 years a least. If they are going to pay for him to go to school they want to use their investment so after he is in school for 18 months he will have to work here for 2 years. By then Eliana will be in school.  I guess I will really start having to make the most of it here.  

The days are getting a little easier though. I am slowly starting to meet a few new people. I want to try to go to church but I am afraid of how my kids would act in a church nursery. Who knows, maybe they will surprise me. All I know is that I need an outlet while Daniel is in school.